Ravenloft887

Alright, let's see if I can still kinda? write. I am crap, and so expect crap.

Sometimes when I am feeling like shit I try and pick myself up by doing childish things, little things, like having an ice cream cone or snuggling with my stuffed animals. And most of the time? That works. But lately it's been getting harder and harder to feel good; about myself, what i'm doing, who i'm talking to, or even my life in general. Depression? Perhaps. But I think it is more than that...I feel...useless. Like I am not doing enough, good enough, or even strong enough.

A million questions run through my head all the time, a million thoughts, a million emotions. And yet I sit here, quiet and attempting to not spend every waking moment panicking or bawling my eyes out. I feel lonely, even when I am not alone. I make other feel lonely and cannot for the life of me fix it.

Perhaps I will not be good enough, I won't know till I get there. I already feel like a failure. At school the books are so boring I fall asleep and so I do not read them, but if I don't then I will suck and not help anyone and feel worse and maybe even be the reason someone gets worse.

That's my worst fear....that someone will kill themselves and deep down...I will know I had the power to stop it. Being a psychologist seems to be terrifying, and honestly I do not know if I can do it. I think I can, I hope I can. But can I? I will not know till I get there.

I am scared. All the time. I tend to write things down and let the feeling flow rather than being able to talk about, because it is easier to control crying that way. My home feels empty, surrounded by people; and I feel as if I am the reason it is so quiet. Maybe if I did more, talked more, something? Then perhaps it would not feel so dead in here all the time.

Now I am just talking about whatever, and that makes me feel foolish. Like who the hell wants to hear the inner dialogue of a crazy chick that they don't even know? I would, but again I am going to make my life's work doing just that. The thing I hear most from people in my classes is that they want to be someone, as if they currently are not "anyone" and they need validation to be "somebody". I don't like this. I mean there is no need to be famous or to discover something just to be "somebody", we're all somebody right now. I am me, and al lI want to do is help people. But the problem is, first I need to be able to help myself. 

Ok so obviously I haven't been on in like forever, or at least like some of you I hope noticed. Anywho, lots of big things been happening, and they shall not be talked about here. This is my me page, my place to relax and unwind after all. So lets get this started, I cannot promised all caps in their proper places and typing will be fixed hopefully enough to get by.

i have been eating way to much pasta lately, and i think there is not a chance of it stopping the future cause its all my b/f and i can afford right now on government monies. its ok though cause pasta doesn't totally suck, i just think more variety might be in order. who knows huh but there seems to be only so much you can do with noodles. but it is cheep and i have noticed i seem to be addicted to caffeine, which while not as horrible i am as my sister, is a nasty habit i have picked up. my b/f (whom shall remain nameless to protect privacy and all that) (he is on here btw) likes mt. dew like a fat kid likes cake, he is so cute sometimes though. its kinda scary how accurate the thing at the bottom of the page is. i mean i am used to drinking cherry Pepsi now, but the one time i has coke this idea to write pops in my head and i guess coke is my "thinking juice" or something. who knows, but who really cares. so i am going back to school this fall, finally huh?! i am going to god dammed finish this things this time and am so glad to get a second change to get it done right. my hair is in pigtails and the b/fs' folks house (yeah i know confusin right?) is f***in freezing, its like being outside but less windy. which makes it a little warmer i guess. i am doing well and thins whole rant thing seems to be making my back hurt less, maybe i should do it more often don't u think? i do not know if anyone is even gonna read this, lets hope people do cause i like to think people care bout what i say! i need to find a friggin scanner and maybe get the usb cord for my camera up here, i have photos from forever ago i wants to put online. like my little kitty Pip who died last June, she was so sweet and only like 6mnths! its like wtf?! to short of a time man, to short! ok so short term goals: get usb cord for photos, make fajitas for dinner on Friday, write more, write another fantasy thing like in high school, apply to college (finishing steps) and get scribblenauts for my ds. ok, so that works. anything else i can think of? not really, maybe bake some lemon bars for game, that sounds good. i like lemon bars. oh yeah, totally spaced to mention, i am part of a weekly d&d group with some friends and it is totally awesomesauce! oh man i have not used that word in forever, but i still like it. i made caramel hot cocoa and it looks tasty, gonna let it cool. the b/f is writing a commissioned fanfic for someone, i wish someone would commission me to do something. i at least like writing fanfic! the hot cocoa is as good as i imagined and i so haven't had caramel for a long time. i need to get a car, maybe that would improve my mood. i think my b/fs' cat, Annabelle, hates me or something. idk, but she seems to not like me so w/e. i just had to hold a kitten u so she could get on the top bunk of the bed and totally enjoy shredding my good pillow. darn her sometimes. i need to throw away some drinks from t he fridge cause they are old, makes you think how much food does one waste that could feed poor people in africa? then i think, mmmmm cookie and my mind blanks. i need to relax more, hang out in the sunshine and stuffs. i so cannot wait for the warmer weather, i want to be summer again so i can go swimming an hiking and stuff. now i'm thinking about sunbathing on the good rock near my old high school, aw man that is a nice rock. i kinda miss my parents house cause its closer to a ton of stuff to do (and they have central heat) but it is nice here too. it seems to be more stressful cause i cant get stuff done cause all my info for stuff is down there. plus my bed is soft, i like that. i am getting the kitten some catnip and a toy on friday when i get paid and then saving towards a new (well refurbished) xbox360. it is not that much, about 200$ and so its less then some of the others. i make more then i think i do i am just not good at saving anything. sitting on the floor makes my leg cram up but the bed makes my head hurt cause i have to sit funny or hit my skull on the top and the desk is taken. so here i am on the floor, gonna pet a kitten. hehe. hot cocoa makes my insides warm which is good cause i my kidneys n stuffs are cold a the shower here can never get me warm enough, i think i will take a shower at my house when i am down and just relax until my bones are warm like i used to do. i like this idea, i get my best ideas in the shower after all. well iam about done for this time, more soon. Jacquline

I hate today. It feels like time is standing still and theres no one to talk to and nothing good is on. It makes me really homesick on days like this. I miss my family, well most of it, but I cant be there anymore. I should be out on my own, doing things that make me happy. Instead i'm stuck in a two bedroom apartment with a guy that I love, but hate at the same time (too close and too much time together kind of thing) and a friend whos not really a GOOD friend yet, but wants me to be. I get the feeling people are ignoring me, and talking about me behind my back. It hurts to think that those that I would call friends don't really care about me. Oh well, back to the nothingness. I wish I could take a vacation.

-_- me being sad...... ---'--,---@ Roses for the fallen...........

No one knows:

No one knows what I say to you,
No one knows what I feel is true;
For no one knows what I know to be,
And no one knows what you do to me.

So now I write a story as clear as day,
Open and honest and without delay;
You make me feel emotions so pure,
That I know them to be for certain and for sure.

No one knows that this was a whim,
A change for the better that I let you in;
You know what my heart says and what is for sure,
You know that my heart screams out for more.

So now I write a story as clear as day,
Open and honest and without delay;
You make me feel emotions so pure,
That I know them to be certain and for sure.

Kiss me my darling and do not delay,
We have but a moment that is the rest of our days..........

I wrote it on a whim and hope you like it! It is a poem and a song, but I stink at wrting music so it is all in my head.

I wake up and already a thousand ideas flood my brain, making my head hurt and me want to go back to the sweet release of sleep. I slump back onto my pillow and sigh, "this is going to be another long day....." I say to no one in particular. I smile and sit up, hoping for something interesting to happen. I get out of bed and the parentals are fighting again. I grab a soda and dodge an incoming plastic bowl, they never do throw anything breakable. My sister is either still asleep or playing video games. I walk back into my room and get dressed, noticing that "he" drives away. My mother walks into her room and sighs loudly, she is still very depressed. I walk back into the kitchen and clean up while making some breakfast, leaving it dirty will only further make "him" angry. After brushing my teeth and sometimes taking a shower, I go downstairs and surf the web. I bolt back to me room after he comes home. Mother has done little work to the house, but it is not like "he" would notice either way, He doesn't care. I flip on the tv and shut my door, knowing full well another fight is to erupt. I smile in my knowing way and turn up the volume just as the yelling begins. Around 5:30 I venture out for more food only to find my mother already done dinner. I smile and say thanks before retreating back to my room with another soda. I eat quickly and silently, so as not to disturb "his" news watching. I clean up my stuff and put away what has already been washed, it is a different load than this morning. That means mother did dishes and sister unloaded. I listen to him leave for another "AA" meeting and then get a call from my fiancee'. We talk for a while and then he has to go. I brush my teeth again, not knowing why I bother. I curl up and drag out my notebooks or even my sketchpads, taking my mind off my pain. I draw and sketch or write and re-write. I use up all the rest of my energy and then put them away in my hidden space, no one goes into my room anyway. If I listen carefully I can hear "him" come home and then go to bed, coughing his usual smokers cough. It sounds like he is dying, not that anyone would miss him. My mother is folding laundry on the couch and watching tv and now it is my sisters turn on the internet, surfing and chatting to make the time go by. We talk in emails now, not face to face, but that is ok I guess. I light some incense and get into my pajamas, usually just a big t-shirt of the fiancee's, nothing special. I call the fiancee' back to tell him goodnight and then turn out my light and open my door. I like to wake up to the morning usuals after all. I watch tv until about 11pm or so then turn out my light and watch the feet on my celing, invisioning them taking me away from here. I close my eyes and force back tears that threaten to fall. Today was ok at least, no one got hurt and I didn't feel "his" wrath. Then a call comes, it is late and this is unusual. I answer and my mom gives me a look as she goes into the bathroom, to get ready for bed I think. I ask "hello?" and who is on the other line but the one person I would rather not talk to. Another "him" that I thought I had gotten rid of, and he trys to strike up a conversation while I lay in the dark. I tell him I can't leave now, it is too late outside. And tommrow I am busy. He wont take no for an answer, so I just tell him I have to go to bed and hang up. my mother asks who it was and when I tell her she purses her lips and nods, knowingly. I hang up my phone and watch her go to bed. I sit up and hug my knees, trying not to cry. I look out the window and wish I was somewhere else, knowing it wouldn't help to simply run away. The silent tears stain my face as I smile and wonder if this will ever get better, knowing it wiont as long as I am here and "burdening" my family as "he" likes to point out. I lay back down and take off my glasses and try to sleep, waking frequently and not getting the rest I really need. When I wake up in the morning my head hurts from all the days thoughts again and I hear the yelling, knowing it is just one more day in my life. I sigh and roll over, wondering what it would be like if I just laied there and let life go on without me. My father comes in and yells at me to get up and make something of my life, get a job, go to school, something. Like it is the easiest thing in the world. I sigh into my pillow and mother yells at him to leave me alone, knowing full well he wont. Well at least I escaped one day huh? So I climb out of bed and grab a soda from the fridge, knowing it will all be the same, no matter what I do to change it. I crack open the can and go to make me bed and get dressed, wishing I was someone, anyone, else.