Nothing for No one

Alright, let's see if I can still kinda? write. I am crap, and so expect crap.

Sometimes when I am feeling like shit I try and pick myself up by doing childish things, little things, like having an ice cream cone or snuggling with my stuffed animals. And most of the time? That works. But lately it's been getting harder and harder to feel good; about myself, what i'm doing, who i'm talking to, or even my life in general. Depression? Perhaps. But I think it is more than that...I feel...useless. Like I am not doing enough, good enough, or even strong enough.

A million questions run through my head all the time, a million thoughts, a million emotions. And yet I sit here, quiet and attempting to not spend every waking moment panicking or bawling my eyes out. I feel lonely, even when I am not alone. I make other feel lonely and cannot for the life of me fix it.

Perhaps I will not be good enough, I won't know till I get there. I already feel like a failure. At school the books are so boring I fall asleep and so I do not read them, but if I don't then I will suck and not help anyone and feel worse and maybe even be the reason someone gets worse.

That's my worst fear....that someone will kill themselves and deep down...I will know I had the power to stop it. Being a psychologist seems to be terrifying, and honestly I do not know if I can do it. I think I can, I hope I can. But can I? I will not know till I get there.

I am scared. All the time. I tend to write things down and let the feeling flow rather than being able to talk about, because it is easier to control crying that way. My home feels empty, surrounded by people; and I feel as if I am the reason it is so quiet. Maybe if I did more, talked more, something? Then perhaps it would not feel so dead in here all the time.

Now I am just talking about whatever, and that makes me feel foolish. Like who the hell wants to hear the inner dialogue of a crazy chick that they don't even know? I would, but again I am going to make my life's work doing just that. The thing I hear most from people in my classes is that they want to be someone, as if they currently are not "anyone" and they need validation to be "somebody". I don't like this. I mean there is no need to be famous or to discover something just to be "somebody", we're all somebody right now. I am me, and al lI want to do is help people. But the problem is, first I need to be able to help myself.